Im Tried

Im tired of crying over you

Im tired of hearing your lies

Im tired of falling for your manipulation

Im tired of hurting

Im tired of feeling like I can never be enough for you

Im tired of finding new supplies you are talking to

Im tired of breaking my own heart daily

Im tired of making the same mistakes over and over again

Im tired of being a fraud

Im tired of lying to all my family and friends

Im tired of being ashamed to love you

Im tired of being a fool because I DO love you

Im tired of being in the middle of you guys

Im tired of the emotional abuse

Im tired of being your emotional sponge

Im tired of being used for my love and getting nothing in return

Im tired of looking in the mirror and not seeing me anymore

Im tired of hating myself

Im tired of waning to die

Im tired of doubt

Im tired of myself and my own racing thoughts

Im so fucking tired…..and you don’t even care to look and see ME…..Im so tired.

One day at a time

Today I woke up with a renewed sense of myself. Yesterday I had a tough day with my emotions. Yesterday I was on an emotional roller coaster. I prayed to god that he would end my pain and hurt. To soothe my doubts and show me his plan. Guide me to what and why I’m going through this. In the most unexpected way a stranger off of social media saved me. Grounded me by her comforting words. Was she an angel sent from god? Im not certain. But she was my savior for the day. After pouring all my hurt out I felt a relief I’ve never felt before. I now see what Ive been missing. The signs have been there and Ive missed them. How could I have been so blind for so long?

I have been slowly losing myself over the last 5 years. Maybe it is because I’m a mom. Maybe it’s because I stay home and rarely leave my house. Maybe its because I have become depressed. I think maybe its fact that I’ve been surrounding myself with negative people. My mom always said that you are who you hang around with. I gave my all to the wrong people and I regret it. Ive changed myself for them. I went against so many of my core values for them. These values that are me. I havent seen the shift of losing me until recently. Im gone. The me I was before is gone. I know Im older and wiser now. But am I? If I was so wise wouldn’t I have seen this coming? Wouldnt I have seen the changes? Part of me is so ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen. Love doesn’t expect you to change. Love doesnt expect you to hurt. Love doesnt expect you to be treated poorly. Why would I allow someone to do that?

In life we can either learn from our mistakes or not. I choose to learn. I choose to stand my ground and say no more. I choose to find me again. I know this isn’t gonna be easy. I know that I’m gonna struggle. But I have to love myself. Letting go is not gonna be easy. Sometimes people are engraved into your soul. But Im gonna do this. Im gonna find me. Im gonna find her and make her happy again. I miss her smile, laugh and energy. I will find her.

Tilted

Ever just feel like your life is like living in a snow globe? Some days its calm and peaceful and then all of a sudden it gets shaken up and in complete shambles. Today is my day of being shaken up.

Ive had many people in my life I would consider friends who are family. Many that I would do anything for. But one thing in life I live and do daily is be truthful. Today I found out that Ive been lied to on more than one occasion by a very near and dear friend. Now, I understand that this person has no obligation to tell me every detail in their life. However, why is it so hard to tell the truth? Am I THAT judgemental that something as simple as the truth is hard to give? Why have I not seen this happen before?

Ive sat here all day and pondered my feelings. Ive had the ups and downs of emotions. But the one that stands out is hurt. I try to understand that not everyone in life lives by the same moral codes as me. I try and understand that sometimes things are left unsaid. But my heart hurts because Ive given my all to this friend. Ive given up so much. And I sit here wondering…..why? Why am I doing this? Why am I reacting this way? Why am I so hurt? The answer is Ive expected too much. Ive allowed too much. Im reacting because Im hurt, mad, frustrated and sad.

Numerous times today Ive thought about my friendships. Ive thought about who I have opened up to and who has done the same. Im a very trusting person until you give me a reason to not. I forgive easily and love again with open arms. My heart hurts today because this friend means so much to me and now Im jaded. Now Im wounded by them. Will I ever be able to forgive them?

I believe that things happen for a reason. I think everyone we meet in life is meant to cross our paths. Life is funny like that. We live and learn from every experience we encounter. What will I learn from this? I have yet to figure it out. Friendships mean the world to me and right now I can’t say the same for them.

Moms, we need to have grace

Have you ever had days where you feel like you are an epic failure at being a mommy? No matter how much you try and hold it together you feel you just cant get it right. Day after day you look at these tiny humans you created and you feel so many emotions. Love, pride, fear, anguish etc etc. How is it I can be a rockstar mom some days and a failure others? There is no handbook to being a mom. It truly is a fly by the seat of your pants type of gig. But while you feel like this your little monsters have no clue you are playing Russian Roulette with their lives. They love you no matter what. Their world revolves around you and your heart.

I have often looked at my kids and wondered if I was raising them right. If I was doing all that I could to shape them into the most amazing humans ever. I will admit Ive put a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect mom. Ive cried ugly tears when I feel like Im failing. And I look back and think about how my kids have been during my so called ‘failing’ times and you know what? They have laughed, loved and had no clue that I was feeling this insecure. I recently realized that most of the time when Im feeling like Im failing my kids have no clue. Of course my kids have typical moments of crying, screaming and all out losing their ever loving minds but I now know that ALL kids have moments like this. ALL. (yes you read that right)

Recently my neighborhood gals came over for a play date at my house. 12 kids total ranging from 8 to 6 months old. It was MADNESS. But us moms sat and chatted while the tiny tornadoes destroyed my house. It was heaven. What I loved about it the most was mom validation. Validation that we are NOT alone. Every mom at some point has felt inadequate. Every mom at some point has cried over their kids. Have you ever talked with another mom and thought to yourself “omg Im so glad Im not alone in this. Im so glad their kiddo is acting the same way. Maybe its NOT me that is failing. Maybe its just a phase kids go through at this age”. I cant tell you HOW many times Ive had that convo in my head. How many times Ive did a happy dance in my head that my kids are in a ‘normal’ phase. Ill be honest there have been times that I havent gotten that ‘mom validation’ and my kids were just being punk brats.

There has been SO many days Ive looked around me and thought how am I gonna make it through this day? How am I gonna get the bazillion things done on my to do list? How am I gonna handle this ‘crisis’ my kiddo is having in this moment?  So many times Ive ‘over parented’ and have hindered a moment that very well would of turned out ok on its own. I know for a fact Ive been extremely hard on my oldest kiddo and I look back and think “I could of done that SO much better”. Have you ever done that? I have learned to give myself a lot of grace. I tend to expect far too much out of my oldest compared to my youngest. Why? Well….. Im not certain why I automatically shift to that mindset. Why I think “you should know better” because in reality they dont. They are unfortunately learning lessons along side us. We are learning this ‘parenting’ business all together. We, as moms, should give ourselves a large learning curve here.

I know so many moms are thinking they are doing bad or think they are failing. The what if I would of let the house go, or spent more time with them doing XYZ crosses our minds a lot. The reality is we cant do it all. We cant always be supermoms, loving wifes, have perfect houses and be our beautiful selves. Its ok to feel like a failure. Wanna know why? It means we care. It means we love our kiddos. Even when they drives us nuts and dont leave our side. What I have learned is our kids love us no matter what. No matter how we look, act or how our house is. They love us. Us, as the crazy haired, tired, exhausted, cranky, stressed, overworked hot messes we are. And that is beautiful. Look for the beautiful mamas. We all have it.

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